Cyber Junkie Read online

  cyber junkie

  cyber junkie

  escape the gaming and internet trap

  kevin roberts

  Hazelden Publishing

  Center City, Minnesota 55012

  800-328-9000

  hazelden.org/bookstore

  © 2010 by Kevin J. Roberts

  All rights reserved. Published 2010

  Printed in the United States of America

  No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means—electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, scanning, or otherwise—without the express written permission of the publisher. Failure to comply with these terms may expose you to legal action and damages for copyright infringement.

  Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

  Roberts, Kevin J.

  Cyber junkie : escape the gaming and internet trap / Kevin J. Roberts.

  p. cm.

  Includes bibliographical references.

  ISBN 978-1-59285-948-1 (softcover)

  Ebook ISBN 978-1-59285-994-8

  1. Video game addiction. 2. Internet addiction. I. Title.

  RC569.5.V53R63 2010

  616.8584 — dc22

  2010019853

  Editor’s note:

  The stories in this book are true. Names, locations, and other identifying information have been changed to protect confidentiality; in some cases, composites have been created.

  The information, ideas, and suggestions in this book are not intended as a substitute for professional advice. Before following any suggestions contained in this book, you should consult your personal physician or mental health professional. Neither the author nor the publisher shall be liable or responsible for any loss or damage allegedly arising as a consequence of your use or application of any information or suggestions in this book.

  14 13 12 11 10 1 2 3 4 5 6

  Cover design by Percolator

  Interior design and typesetting by Percolator

  To my mother.

  You have always believed in me.

  contents

  Foreword

  Acknowledgments

  Introduction

  Chapter 1 Welcome to the Cyber Universe

  Chapter 2 Choose Your Poison

  Chapter 3 Your Brain in Cyberland

  Chapter 4 Into the Black Hole

  Chapter 5 Climbing Out of the Hole

  Chapter 6 The Journey of Recovery Continues

  Chapter 7 A Guide for Loved Ones

  Resources

  Notes

  About the Author

  foreword

  Only in recent years have we realized how prevalent addictions are in our modern society. We have progressed in our awareness from the abuse of alcohol and other substances, through countless sexual practices that may leave us both bereft of satisfying love and/or with profound feelings of shame, and we’re now discovering new ways to bedevil ourselves with behavioral addictions, such as compulsive shopping or gambling.

  Kevin Roberts herein adds another behavioral addiction to this growing list. Of greater importance is his success in taking us inside the mind of an addict. There we can develop both empathy and foreknowledge as we read explicit details of how people can become addicted in the cyber world.

  Some may laugh, saying that nowadays everything is being labeled an addiction. Yet a reading of the first few chapters is likely to change one’s mind, as Roberts takes us in heart-wrenching detail through the progression that left him a true addict. He also gives us a window into the cyber world to appreciate its vast and multifaceted appeal. We gain a valuable perspective into a form of recreation and communication that captivates tens of millions.

  Essential to recovery is to talk with rigorous honesty about one’s own struggles, and Roberts admirably demonstrates this practice throughout the book. In addition, the author shows how common it is becoming for cyber activity to lead to true addiction—something probably unsuspected by many who become addicts. Forewarned is forearmed.

  I have personal knowledge on this subject. Since my retirement, I have spent lots of time playing bridge and solitaire games on the computer to soothe feelings of anxiety and shame. It’s a short-term fix, which makes matters worse in the long run. Roberts’s book helps me to see the consequences of this behavior when it becomes compulsive. And calling it by name—an addiction that “medicates” unwanted emotions—is a potent way of reducing its power to control our lives.

  Like many addicts, I have traded one addiction for another throughout my life. I’ve struggled for fifty-five years with compulsive eating. I used food to cover up unpleasant feelings and constant anxiety. For the last twenty or so years, I have learned to resist my addictive food impulses by bringing the situation into the light of honest examination and even lighthearted humor, just as Kevin Roberts does in this remarkable book.

  John Everingham, Ph.D.,

  editor of Men Healing Shame: An Anthology

  and Breaking the Shackles: Bringing Joy into Our Lives

  acknowledgments

  I am blessed with many friends who supported me in writing this book.

  Tom and Ann Houston, for tireless efforts in editing and challenging me to become a better writer

  Nathalie Shamma, for her eagle-eye editorial skills

  John Everingham, for editing some chapters and convincing me that I could do it; also, for being a powerful mentor these last ten years

  my family, for blessing me on my journey and always encouraging me

  Tony Vicich, for inspiring me to reach for my dreams

  Tim Kowalski, for believing in me when I needed it most

  David Wolfe, for convincing me that I was a writer

  high school English teachers Bill Petrovich and George Duffourc, for inspiring me to push past my literary limits

  Fr. Ned Donoher, for igniting and empowering my creative mind

  Tim Batdorf, for leading the way with his own book

  Terry Shulman, for offering valuable advice when I started the book

  Sari Solden and Geri Markel, for supporting this process early on

  Doug Rutley, for catching me in the act of a gaming binge and scheming thereafter to get me to acknowledge my problem

  P. K., for kicking my butt to be productive and helping me structure both the book and my time

  A.S., for awakening dormant parts of my self

  Barb Evangelista, for being a steadfast friend who always offers me honest feedback

  Maureen and Elektra Petrucci, for being loyal friends, creative consultants, and fellow cultural creatives

  Ryan Isakow, for offering me a teenage perspective on gaming and constantly encouraging me in this endeavor

  Andy Carter, for helping me to appreciate the inner workings of World of Warcraft

  Andrew Luginbill, for showing me the lighter side of gaming and sharing many insights on his own gaming

  Lambrini Makris, Christos, and the folks at Monty’s Grill, for providing me with inspiration, support, and a place to write these many years

  all the folks I have worked with professionally, for trusting me with their stories

  and finally, thank you to all the following people, for helping me navigate through the depths of my issues: Ralph Johnson, Walter Clemens, Mike Dokuchic, Paul Soczynski, Bill Kauth, Charlie “Emir-Gandalf-Carlo-Brother Lawrence” Lewis, Barb Evangelista, Wayne Hicks, Palmer Stevens, and John Everingham

  introduction

  The Western world is in the midst of a cultural shift. Electronics and the Internet have transformed the way we live. Just a decade or so ago, devices such as computers, cell phones, and iPods were relative luxuries that made our lives easier or entertained us. For most people, the
se items are now nearly indispensable in both their work and their personal lives. The Internet and video gaming, likewise, are no longer used primarily for research or for occasional amusements. More and more, they are our main source of recreation.

  For many people, video and computer games and other forms of digital technology are harmless. They offer convenience or a way to relax or have fun with friends and family members. Unfortunately, all of these devices also carry the potential to become addictive.

  Users or players sometimes become compulsive in their use of these technologies. They may game excessively, turning away from family, friends, and the other activities they once enjoyed. Or they may become ensnared in social networking to such an extent that their forays into the cyber world become substitutes for real human contact. Facebook, Twitter, MySpace, online chat engines, and simply surfing for information can turn into all-encompassing obsessions. Relationships, health, and jobs may all suffer as a result—and yet the behavior continues. Though users may be highly intelligent and creative, they turn their backs on reality, absorbed in a world of imagination and fantasy. I used to be one of these people.

  Video games and many Internet activities have taken their toll on my mental, physical, and spiritual health. Excessive playing and Internet usage have given me carpal tunnel syndrome and persistent back pain. They are the primary factor in missed appointments and have even cost me jobs, not to mention a whole lot of money. They have been a significant barrier that has gotten in the way of friendships and relationships. I have chosen video games over virtually everything and everyone close to me. I would chat all night online with “friends” all over the world instead of going out with friends in the here and now. For much of my adult life, video games, and then later the Internet, assumed a place in the forefront, inexplicably drawing me away from social outings, dinners with friends, and even time with my family.

  Video games and the Internet are not the problem, however. I am the problem. I do not blame these industries. I blame myself. I loathed myself in those moments when I would finally emerge from a video game flurry. In those times of reflection, I would wonder how I could possibly have been so weak as to fall under the gaming spell once again. The disgust would rise up within me, and I would swear to myself that I had learned my lesson. I would rid the house of all games. I would resolve to quit chatting online. But eventually, the urge would resurface and overpower my best intentions. There’s no other way to describe it: I was a video game addict, a cyber junkie.

  Today, I am proud to be in recovery. I wasted years of my life staring into a computer screen, failing to achieve the goals I had set for myself. Although I felt pangs of guilt and sadness after gaming binges that lasted for weeks, it was not enough guilt to get me to stop. I hid my gaming from everyone for almost ten years and was in denial that I even had a problem. In 2003, I finally hit bottom and realized my life was out of control. I needed to make a change.

  My road to recovery was long and hard, and I repeatedly relapsed into gaming. Playing video games heightened my senses, making me feel totally alive, while Internet chatting with friends around the world allowed me to unplug from the difficulties of my real-world relationships. It is not surprising that I suffered for years with cravings. Sometimes, they still haunt me. Through therapy, friends, and support groups, I have managed to stave off the cravings and stick to my recovery plan.

  A few years into my recovery, I began working to help others learn how to escape from the claws of gaming and Internet obsessions. I befriended fellow cyber addicts and tried to offer the kind of support that my friends had offered me. My assistance was informal at first, but slowly I began to organize and facilitate support groups for cyber addicts. Today I run numerous such groups for people whose lives have been swallowed up by their insatiable urge to game, surf, and chat online. These groups offer the support addicted individuals need to turn away from compulsive behavior within the cyber world, which empowers them to channel their energies in positive directions.

  This book grew out of my journey through cyber addiction. Throughout the book, I recount my personal experience, describing how an innocent pastime turned into fifty-hour gaming binges and all-night online chatting, and how I found a new focus for my life that did not involve these obsessive activities. I also share stories about people I have helped professionally. The experiences described in the book are real, though names and identifying information have been changed to protect privacy. In a few instances, I have combined stories to form composite characters.

  Although I have vast personal experience with a variety of games and Internet activities, I needed to augment my understanding through research. To this end, I visited gaming forums and talked with players from around the world. In addition, I delved deeper into Facebook, MySpace, and other such networking sites, and I studied professional literature on the science of compulsive behaviors and addiction.

  This is a book for anyone affected by overuse of the Internet, video games, or other electronic devices. The problem may be your own and you’re struggling to understand why this is an issue for you and how to solve it. Or the problem may be with someone you love, a partner or child perhaps. That person may realize his or her activity is a problem; on the other hand, the person may not give a second thought to how much time and energy he or she is spending online and/or gaming. Cyber addiction is a new phenomenon, and thus, the research on the topic is limited but growing.

  Here’s what you’ll find in these pages:

  Chapters 1 and 2 take you behind the scenes and enable you to peer into the cyber world. You will come to understand the allure of games and the Internet as well as attain a broad understanding of the different types of video games and cyber activities and the kinds of people drawn to them.

  Chapters 3 and 4 take a scientific and behavioral look at addiction, revealing how excessive Internet use and video gaming exhibit many of the telltale signs of addiction. A list of warning signs that your cyber use may be spinning out of control is also included, as are stories of others who have spiraled down into cyber addiction.

  In chapters 5 and 6 , I recount stories from my recovery process and those of addicted individuals with whom I have worked. I also discuss relapse and how to create a healthy relationship with technology that adds to the quality of your life, not subtracts from it.

  Many readers are likely at wit’s end trying to help a loved one who overuses technology. Chapter 7 can help family and friends understand how best to help a loved one who is a cyber addict, whether that person is a child or an adult.

  You are about to embark on a journey into the cyber universe. Keep an open mind, and remember that there is nothing inherently wrong with playing video games or using the Internet. However, some people—like me—can’t help but engage in these activities in unhealthy ways. The good news is that it doesn’t have to be that way—recovery is possible. To help us, you must first understand us. I hope that this book provides that understanding.

  CHAPTER 1

  welcome to the cyber universe

  “Understanding can overcome any situation, however

  mysterious or insurmountable it may appear to be.”

  Norman Vincent Peale

  The phone rang, and I initially didn’t answer. The caller was persistent, however. I finally decided to pick up because the ringing was breaking my gaming concentration. I had told all my friends that I was out of town, so I couldn’t imagine who it might be.

  “Hello,” I barked into the phone.

  It was Doug, a friend of mine since childhood. He and I had grown up on the same street, and he had recently started renting a room in my next-door neighbor’s house. Doug declared, “I am fully aware of what’s going on over there.”

  “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” I righteously asserted as my right hand continued to work the computer mouse (I had turned down the volume to avoid detection).

  “Well, you might have had me fooled into believing that you a
ctually were up north like you said, except for one miscalculation on your part,” Doug told me in the tone of a clever detective.

  “I don’t know what you mean,” I continued my deception.

  Seeming almost disappointed at my lack of foresight, Doug responded, “You should have turned down the speakers. I can hear the catapults destroy the city walls because the sound’s traveling through your walls and through mine.” He was mad not only about the noise, but also because I had lied to him.

  “How long have you been playing?” he asked.

  “I don’t know,” I replied—truthfully, because I really did not know.

  “It’s noon right now.” He went on, “Have you been to bed yet?”

  I confessed, “Actually, I haven’t. I’ve been up for twenty-two hours straight, and most of that time has been spent on the computer.”

  What is it about video games and the Internet that would lead a grown man to become consumed to this point? Video games and computers are not new inventions. The first game was introduced in 1958 at the Brookhaven National Laboratory. The game, Tennis for Two, prefigured a game that became widespread in the early 1970s, Pong. In the late 1970s, Tandy came out with the first mass-produced home computers, a development quickly followed by more complex game consoles such as Atari. Still, times have obviously changed and the role of technology in our lives has expanded greatly. In addition to incredible growth in the number of technological devices we encounter daily, the type of technology and games has also changed. While it was easy to walk away from the simplistic video games of my youth, the new games offer much more that captivate players and hold their interest. Likewise, the Internet in general and other various digital technologies are constant companions and an integral part of our modern world. The benefits of this technology are many, and yet such progress comes at a price. The number of people with a problem related to gaming and use of other devices is growing exponentially in the United States and around the world. A May 2009 study reported in Psychological Science found that 8.5 percent of young video gamers exhibited signs of addiction to gaming. 1 Maressa Hecht Orzack, director of the Computer Addic­tion Study Center at Harvard, says that her research shows that between 5 and 10 percent of Web users suffer from a Web dependency. 2 Clearly, the problem is already out of control.